When I was growing up, my mum used to always joke with me and my sister by saying 'But I love himmm' in a funny accent whenever we liked a boy. It turns out she used to say it to her mum when she was growing up whenever she liked someone and my grandma would tell her she was just being silly. Isn't it strange how an 'in joke' over generations within the family can turn into a sequence of words you end us using far too often? These pictures were taken on a beautiful day out with some of my favourite people in London after the Bloggers Ball. We went off to find the perfect street to take pictures on, and I was truly happy to be surrounded by such inspirational people with the same passions as me. The next day, my life turned upside down. My relationship of 4 and a half years came tumbling down when the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with broke my heart. Now, before you press the close button on this webpage, this isn't going to be all doom and gloom, things do get better...I just need to explain a few things first.
Relationships are hard work, no matter what anyone says, relationships involve effort, commitment and loyalty. Unfortunately if those things are missing from your relationship then it is bound to fail, no matter how hard you try. The hardest part of realising how essential these three elements are is that it makes you aware that if the person you are with is not prepared to offer them, then you are fighting a losing battle. When a relationship breaks down, often it isn't a sudden thing. Over time, people become distant, no matter how much you once loved each other. In my case, I have given my absolute all to my ex over the last few years, and unfortunately it just wasn't good enough. Now please don't think that this is me feeling sorry for myself, or looking for sympathy, because that really isn't the case. The sooner you understand that there was nothing more you could have done to make things better, the easier your grievance process will become.
When you grieve something, whether it is a life or a relationship, traditionally you go through 5 key stages: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and then finally acceptance. If you have been fighting to save a relationship for a long time, then often you will have already begun the grievance process before it is over. In my case, I was in denial that things weren't going well for a long time. I never wanted to accept that what we once had was now gone. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I didn't want to accept the fact that the person I woke up next to every morning had given up. I saw a quote the other day stating that no matter how much someone loves you, if they make no effort with you then you shouldn't either because life is too short to waste your time on someone who doesn't make you feel loved. This perfect explains the opposite of what I have been doing for months, but what I am now realising about how I should be living my life. My bargaining stage has been going on for far too long, and it doesn't matter how much you offer up in an attempt to fix things, sometimes there is simply nothing you can do to make a broken situation better.
Now on to the good bit. As hard as it may seem to many people to come to terms with the breakdown of your relationship...your life does get better. You do get angry (very, very angry) and you do get sad (very, very sad), but you also do eventually begin to accept that you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start looking after number one....you. It isn't easy, and I am certainly not saying that I am there yet, but what I can say is that realising how important my own goals and ambitions are has made a world of difference to my mentality. No longer will I compromise for what I want, no longer will I ever take second best.
When you have been with someone for a substantial amount of time your life changes a lot. You make big decisions, move to new places, alter your personality...the list goes on. A lot is different as each year goes by, whether these differences are good or bad, I don't know. All I do know is that I will never ever say that I regret the way I have lived my life for the last few years, and I will never say that being with my ex was a waste of time. We grew up together, made memories together, and most of all, became best friends and supported each other through some really hard times.
When your best friend tells you that they need to let you go, you have some choices you need to make. Do you fight to convince them that what you have is worth saving? Do you fall into a hole of sadness, with only your tears and a box of chocolates to support you? Or do you make yourself realise that what they are saying genuinely is for the best? I am not saying that any of these choices are wrong; however, I know that I wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't of taken the last option. Harsh truths aren't nice to come to terms with, but they shape who you are, and help you to make the right choices about the steps you take next. Saying you love someone isn't always enough to make a relationship work, no matter how much I wanted to believe that it would. If I want to be happy, I need to love my friends, love my family, love my work and my surroundings, but most importantly, I need to love myself.
Over the next few months a lot is going to change - but this time, for the better. I am leaving my job of two years to move to London on a quest for bigger and better things. My job has given me so much, and I will be eternally grateful for the opportunities my colleagues have given me; but sometimes you need to move on to new challenges in order to grow. I have also decided to take a little bit of time out of work before I head to London as I am going to spend some quality time with my family in Edinburgh and then am going to go to America to see what San Francisco has to offer. This may be just a holiday, or it may develop into something more; but either way, I know that heading to a new place to explore for a little while can only do me good.
The breakdown of my relationship is not the end of the world, albeit tough right now. Don't get me wrong, moving out of the house I called a home, and losing someone I loved dearly are both incredibly difficult aspects of breaking up. Yet there is a part of me that is beaming to get going, to move on, to be happy, and to put myself first. If anyone reading this has been through a breakup, then you will understand that every time I smile, I am probably also fighting back the tears...but that won't be the case forever, and I know that. I have the rest of my life ahead of me and I am determined to make the most of it.
Sleeveless jacket: Sainsburys Sale £10
Dress: H&M Sale £10
Shoes: Primark £12
Choker: New Look £4