I'm not gonna lie guys, life has been tough recently. I really don't like to bring negativity to my blog, but sometimes honesty is more important to me. It wasn't until a few evenings ago that I decided that I should blog about what I've been going through recently as it will help to take a load off my shoulders.
You may have noticed that I haven't been very consistent with my posting recently, and I've tweeted about the fact that I've lost my blogging mojo quite a bit. The truth of the matter is that for a month straight I was visiting a care home pretty much every day to visit my Gran. She has had a few problems with her heart over the years and then got hit with some bad infections around 6 or 7 months ago. Everything spiralled very quickly and she was rushed to hospital to have her gallbladder removed...and basically, she never recovered. Last month we moved her to a care home to make her comfortable and unfortunately two weeks ago, she passed away. Nothing in the world can prepare you for the pain you feel from losing a loved one. To try and understand that the person you looked up to the most is no longer in your life is a really hard thing to do. My Gran was a good person, was always kind to others and offered a helping hand where she could...so why her? Life is one of the few things that you can't control, and it is heartbreaking to know that there is literally nothing any of us could have done to make her better.
Last Thursday I went to a Q&A session with Estee Lalonde for her new book 'Bloom'. I haven't had much motivation to go out and socialise recently, but when I saw that there were tickets to go and hear from one of my favourite YouTubers, I knew I had to go along. The Q&A was hosted by the lovely Emma Gannon (Author of Ctrl, Alt, Delete) and it was so relaxed that it felt like an evening at the pub with friends. Hearing Estee talk about life inspired me so much, because she is brutally honest and just says what she thinks. There is something so refreshing about the unapologetic way she speaks about her life choices - whether thats with friendships, fashion, exercise...whatever. She is a 26 year old female who suffers from anxiety and struggles with the same problems as you and I, yet she goes out there and inspires hundreds of thousands of people every single day. I asked if she felt like a role model to younger people and she said that she had never thought of herself like that, but tries to live her life in a positive way. It was lovely that she was completely oblivious to the fact that she has helped so many people through good and bad times.
One thing that stood out to me the most was the fact that she said that her biggest life regret is not finding the time to 'stop and smell the roses'. I don't know what it was about that saying that resonated with me, but it was like a lightbulb moment in my head. Recently, life has sucked, and I am grieving...badly. I have just started a new job, and although I am loving it, I am waking up each day and feel like I am fighting to keep my head above water. What I need is a break. A break from pressure, a break from guilt, a break from sadness, even a break from people. I need to create my own happiness and deal with life each day at a time. I need to learn from Estee's regrets and actually stop to appreciate the world around me. My Gran would hate to know that my world has crumbled since she's gone...in fact, she would be angry to know that I'm not making the most out of life like she did. So the lesson I've learnt is that from this day onwards, until I get myself together again, I am going to go out and smell those damn roses. I am going to walk slower, look around more, listen harder, and generally be more in the moment to appreciate the simple things.
On Friday we said goodbye to my Gran in the most heartbreaking yet beautiful service. It was an honour to hear from all the people that knew and loved her. She was so proud of every single one of us and spread love wherever she could. Just because she is out of sight, will never ever mean that she is out of our minds.
Life is a really precious thing, and I think everyone needs to remember that.